I am too exhausted for self portraits these days. But I am undoubtedly a changed person.
I thought that when I came back to blog a few months down the line I would have to shamefully admit how nothing was going right, that I still had a broken heart and that I was still so down I could die. I thought this would be a difficult post to write, hell I have thought about ways I can make sense of everything that has happened to me the last 8 week or so, if I am even obliged to give an answer to the question “What happened to Mizzban?” all of it makes my brain hurt. But the answer I find myself giving is not the one I imagined back then.
When I fall over I pick myself up again, we have to. Falling over when there are very few people to catch you is a huge risk because the consequence of you not getting up again is too scary a prospect to contemplate. As it happens, I threw myself into my work. I say “threw” I literally ran, arms flailing and screaming “GAAAAAAAAH” into a big squishy object labelled “work”. And holy crap, it paid off… all the while I was procrastinating and worrying about not being good enough/someone laughing at me/ not being able to do it I didn’t notice all the people quietly waiting to book me.
And it has been difficult, it has been tough and scary and uncertain and there was a week where I didn’t eat anything because nobody paid me. But on the whole it has been liberating and cool and awesome and scary-brilliant. There have been some amazing projects I am lucky enough to be involved in, some of which can’t be talked about here but one of which was announced officially at the weekend. I am going to be shooting the RM Wives 2012 Calendar in July.. me 12 lovely Wives and Girlfriends of the Marines and my camera. Oh, and if I get my way… some props!
The problems are still there, they keep coming in a steady stream, just as they do to all of us. I still don’t feel as able to resume normal service and I know I have worried a lot of people by going quiet.
But hey, you know… work, it’s *Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah* work.
Whilst this might be the best thing I ever did, I don’t advocate it to everyone. I managed to get pretty sick along the way and have learnt to listen to my body, that stopping and slowing down is not a weakness or a failure and that saying “No” is NOT the end of the world. Saying no enabled me to say yes to bigger and better things. I even picked up a guitar for the first time in ages.
Things DO look different from this far down the line. Distance people, distance.