Do you see? How the wind in your hair now feels differently.


I am too exhausted for self portraits these days. But I am undoubtedly a changed person.

I thought that when I came back to blog a few months down the line I would have to shamefully admit how nothing was going right, that I still had a broken heart and that I was still so down I could die. I thought this would be a difficult post to write, hell I have thought about ways I can make sense of everything that has happened to me the last 8 week or so, if I am even obliged to give an answer to the question “What happened to Mizzban?” all of it makes my brain hurt. But the answer I find myself giving is not the one I imagined back then.

When I fall over I pick myself up again, we have to. Falling over when there are very few people to catch you is a huge risk because the consequence of you not getting up again is too scary a prospect to contemplate. As it happens, I threw myself into my work. I say “threw” I literally ran, arms flailing and screaming “GAAAAAAAAH” into a big squishy object labelled “work”. And holy crap, it paid off… all the while I was procrastinating and worrying about not being good enough/someone laughing at me/ not being able to do it I didn’t notice all the people quietly waiting to book me.

And it has been difficult, it has been tough and scary and uncertain and there was a week where I didn’t eat anything because nobody paid me. But on the whole it has been liberating and cool and awesome and scary-brilliant. There have been some amazing projects I am lucky enough to be involved in, some of which can’t be talked about here but one of which was announced officially at the weekend. I am going to be shooting the RM Wives 2012 Calendar in July.. me 12 lovely Wives and Girlfriends of the Marines and my camera. Oh, and if I get my way… some props!

The problems are still there, they keep coming in a steady stream, just as they do to all of us. I still don’t feel as able to resume normal service and I know I have worried a lot of people by going quiet.

But hey, you know… work, it’s *Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah* work.

Whilst this might be the best thing I ever did, I don’t advocate it to everyone. I managed to get pretty sick along the way and have learnt to listen to my body, that stopping and slowing down is not a weakness or a failure and that saying “No” is NOT the end of the world. Saying no enabled me to say yes to bigger and better things. I even picked up a guitar for the first time in ages.

Things DO look different from this far down the line. Distance people, distance.

Do you see? How the wind in your hair now feels differently.

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