Why there will always be someone better.

Hello You. Welcome, come in and make yourself comfortable. Except, OH GOD, NOT TOO COMFORTABLE, not there! And don’t get too close to me either, because that makes me jumpy. I’m kinda weird about you sitting so close to me, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God….. Maybe you should just leave.

I am a year on from the (I am going to come right out and say it, because there really is no other term for a condition that leaves you bedridden and literally unable to move for any considerable amount of time) crippling heartbreak that caused me, quite literally, to lose my shit. I realised that in the intervening months I have been vacant, inaccessible and unwilling to give anything other than what I am prepared to give… which is next to nothing. TO ANYONE. I think that in typical single girl style, the closest thing I am able to give love to is my cat. And that is pretty much because I have a 100% guarantee that she won’t trade me in for someone better. And even then, I am not so sure.

And there has been interest. Quite a lot of interest, if I am honest. At one stage the interest got a bit out of hand and I found myself saying no to almost everyone that came along because it was all too much. This alone should, by rights give me confidence that I am not a total loser. But the one thing that gets in the way is, yes, I am willing to come right out and say it, is that I am a girl who has been passed over, chosen last, forgotten and yes, replaced more times than I can mention. I have been told, to my face, in no uncertain terms, that “A better option came along” or, in the case of some, not told at all, and left to wonder and piece together a slow drip feed of details, which all contribute to the solitary fact that yes, someone better came along. Oh, and did I mention she is a model who does volunteer work, speaks 12 languages fluently and has a designer vagina? No? WELL HERE ARE ALL THE PHOTOS!

And I am ok with that, to a point. I myself have had my head turned by better options, more interesting prospects, greater opportunities and downright fitter men. But I can’t pretend that it does chip away at ones soul a bit. The first time you get trashed in this way, specifically by a member of the opposite sex who probably has little idea of the damage they are causing when they go cold on you is probably the most damaging. Rejection is a part of life, but we all like to imagine we are worth an honest “Better off as friends, huh?” rather than a harsh severance of contact. The impact to a persons self esteem after they have been relegated to nothing more than “Somebody that I used to know” is seismic. Aside from the shock of a person you rather liked, romantically or otherwise going cold on you, it is the thought that they may have actively SOUGHT OUT someone better than you.

That’s just awful. It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to take to your bed for 2 months, isn’t it?

Of course, people really do just meet other someones. Yes, that someone ISN’T YOU. But remember, that whilst it is physically not you, sometimes is really ISN’T YOU. Humans are selfish beings, who are programmed to consider their own needs above others. Fundamentally, these behaviours are just a reflection of the need to seek out more agreeable breeding stock. It is just a shame that in doing so, some others need to fall along the wayside.

I like to think that I am a nice person, I have a good sense of humour and I can be very kind. Okay, so I am no supermodel, nor will I ever be described as “hot” but I am pretty average in the looks department. My weight fluctuates depending on the grip I have on my eating issues. I am good at listening and laughing is like oxygen to me. But there are people in this world who do not agree. They have called me beautiful, hilarious, amazing, perfect. When really all these things are just opinions, perspectives on a version of me they have caused me to project. Nobody is any one thing all of the time. It is easy to understand how a person can go from these wildly exaggerated perspectives of a person, to suddenly thinking the opposite, so much so that their interest in you wanes to zero.

And when the interest of someone you kind of like wanes to zero.. well, that is pretty damaging. It makes you feel like you are just not good enough, the approval of that person, now gone leaves you feeling sad and confused and wondering what was wrong with you. Or, in my case, what is actually RIGHT with you, if anything.

Perhaps the saddest thing about all of this is that, whist trying to understand what makes people pass me up I have lost some pretty good friends. The most recent of which barely even knows what has happened in my life the last 6 months, and who I doubt would care if I typed him up a synopsis and had it biked round to his house. Blinded by the glare of something shinier, I suppose there is little interest for the roughly hewn pebble in the corner. And so, to spare my feelings, I do what I always do. Begin that slow and agonising trawl through social media, click, click, clicking him out of my life. Because sometimes, you just gotta.

I guess it is all about perspectives. If you truly believe in the way a person has made you feel in the past, good OR bad, then that is going to have some impact on the way future potential partners perceive you. I have no doubt that the people I meet now, 12 months after the wishing-I was-dead-and-covering-all-mirrors episode, will find me vastly changed. And sadly, that change is for the worse, I fear. The whole experience has made me so wary of people rejecting fundamental elements of me that I can’t ever really find peace. I have hope and some evidence that there are people out there who make me feel like the old me, but I guess with that hope comes a fear of an unknown rejection, which brings with it a whole other host of problems. I do try very hard to just push these worries to one side, and for the most part I manage pretty well. It’s just that…………. What if?, What if? What if?

 How about you? Have you ever been replaced by someone “better”/ignored and made to feel like a problem who will just go away? How did you deal with it? Did you deal with it?

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Why there will always be someone better.

One thought on “Why there will always be someone better.

  1. 8.5 months ago, I wasn’t replaced by a person but, instead, replaced by crippling depression–a mental-health issue that was so big in his head that it pushed me right out of his heart. And out of the flat that we had just moved into 5 months before. Since then I have moved 3 times, thought I made and then lost new friends (housemates), tried very hard to create a new circle of friends in a new town. Most of all, though, I’ve been emotionally…dead. A friend asked me out 6 months ago, and I said no. He did so again recently, but I’ve decided that it’s best that I see out the year alone. I’ve spent this year hitting the milestones/anniversaries, and I want to survive xmas and the few days after that will be a year since I was destroyed.

    I divorced a few years ago after years of feeling rejected/like a roommate more than a wife. He has since remarried, to a woman much younger and they are soon expecting the child he told me that he never wanted (neither of us did). During the divorce, he told me ‘You’re not the most beautiful woman in the world..’ That was followed by a ‘but’, but what he said after didn’t matter. He said aloud exactly what I already felt about myself, but isn’t the person who loves you the one who is supposed to think that you ARE the most beautiful, wonderful, clever, funny person, even if–intellectually–they know you aren’t, and you know, too?

    So, yeah, I’ve dealt with a LOT of rejection lately. Plus, I’m a writer. I get rejections all the time. But rejections of my fiction are so much easier than personal rejections. Because I can separate my fiction from myself, but I can’t separate me–the person who wants to be loved–from me. They are the same. And I’ve no fucking clue how to deal with rejection anymore except to cut myself off from life. I still have fun with friends and laugh, but beneath the veneer I feel myself, well, lessened. Not as sparkly or bright. Like a dim room on a cloudy day. It’s getting better, but when survival is the most important thing, we do what we can.

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