I am, and always will be the sort of girl who never knows when to stop. I have lost count of the amount of times I have finished food intended for a family of 4, dug away at a spot until it leaves a scar and picked at a boys faults until eventually, they grow tired of me and find somebody altogether less complicated.
The same, it would seem. Is true of my health. I have written openly here about my brush with depression, about how the knock on effect of not eating properly has affected my physical health and how a bout of innocent flu a few years ago, left my immune system ravaged and prone to pick up every little cold going.
Blame the fact that we have had an 11 month winter, that I get public transport everywhere and that since going freelance, I travel around 80% more than I used to for me getting ill so much. At first a couple of colds is a bit of an annoyance, then a persistent cough that just never seems to go away, then another cold whilst recovering meant that I seemed to be firefighting something-or-other for little over 6 months. I had become used to coughing until I was sick after climbing the stairs, used to sneezing multiple times in meetings and used to the cold sores that would make eating painful.
When I feel “Run down” as the popular term suggests, I tend not to want to eat, or only eat one thing. As a result my body has nothing in it to fight whatever it is that I need it to fight. I think it is a knee jerk reaction that when I get “sick” I feel a bit depressed and punish myself even more by not eating. Vicious Cycle.
Also, we overlook the fact that a self employed person rarely listens when friends say “look after yourself”…. because there is nothing more annoying than a person with statutory sick pay telling you to rest up and take it easy when there is a high chance you might not make the rent that month. You just want to punch them. Rational.
So about a month after a horrible cough that somehow I never got around to getting seen to, I still feel a bit like it is lingering. I’m coughing in the mornings and being a bit sick when I go outside into the cold air but thats normal right?
Wrong.. it is so not normal. Feeling a bit tired I have an early night to wake up with raging shakes and shivers, followed by a week of persistent feverish episodes which cause me to think I am having an early Menopause. But I buy day nurse, take some Paracetamol. Feel okay.
Beause I have only ever felt “ok” I haven’t really been that well for months. Just getting by with symptoms which I have controlled with over the counter meds to allow me to do my next job, make my next appointment and get through my next visit to London.
It finally came to a head two days ago, where I actually fainted with a temperature of 40 degrees. I had been used to feeling sweaty for days by now, opening windows and drinking loads of water to help me function. I put it down to the final two wisdom teeth which were choosing their moment to make their unwelcome appearance.
It was with reluctance that I went to a walk in centre in the vague hope they would tell me that it was a bit of a cold and to go home and sleep. I didn’t bank on being told I had a Kidney and Lung infection that if left untreated could see me in hospital or develop into something sinister. I didn’t bank on being given antibiotics and ordered to take a week off with no work.
And here I am, in bed, still rattling with fever that makes me smell like a barbecue beef hula hoop and hoping the meds with start to kick in and clear up whatever I have done to myself this time. Another downside is that I am feeling quite depressed, something that I gather is linked to antibiotics and a bit emotional, which I put down to not having a stable body temperature. I am also pretty lonely, though I recognise the reason this is is partly my own doing. I am too snappy, pathetic and unloveable at the best of times so you can imagine what I am like when I am ill.
My hand has been forced not to work this week. I know I have to chill out and get well soon so that I can honour my commitments properly. I just wish I didn’t have boobs because sweaty underboob sure is uncomfortable.
I will be back here with a blog post about some recent work and shoots I have done soon.